It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I will be naked everywhere
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
