I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
