Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
3 2 1 whiskey
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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