Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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