My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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