Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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