Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
