Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
