do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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