my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
