Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I came so hard my ears popped.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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