i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please come you make the beer taste better
if i died would you start the facebook group?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
