as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
