I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
