i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
