I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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