you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
