she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
