im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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