i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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