I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You smell like stripper and shame
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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