Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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