We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
