threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
