Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
