Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
