Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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