Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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