Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
