Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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