Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
