Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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