Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
