babies were throwing up all over the place
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
