I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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