she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We left the knife in your bed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
