I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
