I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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