i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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