she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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