I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I enjoy the company of your penis
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