When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How does one acquire holy water?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
