I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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