They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
