Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
