thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
