Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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