and you said cock pushups were impossible
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
