even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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