i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
