I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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