I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
