If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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