Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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