Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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