I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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