I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
These tits shall not be calmed
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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