Duck Duck Cougar?
i just had sex bonerless
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
