if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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