When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
