lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
