so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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