You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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